our beautiful boy 

eating a towel 

eating the carpet 

eating a toy 

'sup? 

ben's got two teethies

Yes, I just said "teethies." I have begun doing what all parents do, and what all parents say they'll never do. I'm putting an "-ie" or "-ey" at the end of all my words. Horse? That's right, it's now a horsey. I just can't help myself. Anyway, Ben's 2nd teethie is popping through, right next to his first one. And he's acting loopy as hell, crying, trying to bite his changing table, my arm, his diaper, my glasses, and whatever else is within his sights. We got him some teething tablets, and he's addicted to them now, and whenever he sees the little vial of them come out of the drawer, he starts kicking his legs and opening his mouth and trying to grab them from my fingers. Below are photos of him when he was a little baby boy, just for old time's sake.

his disposition really hasn't changed much 

his socks used to look like smurf boots 

one week old 

quote of the day

"As we all know, the authority on hilarious is held by Robin Williams. No wait... that's the authority on being the hairiest, most disgusting, obnoxious fucker ever."
-Renee Summerfield

everyone was right

My mother's intuition--and the fact that I felt a ridge pushing through in the back of Ben's mouth--told me that Ben's first tooth would be a molar. My mother's intuition is often wrong, telling me that perhaps mother's intuition is a fallacy, or that my mother's intuition-o-meter is out of whack. I'm going to stop saying "mother's intuition" now. It's like when you say the word "smoothie" or "tankini" too many times, and the words become so unbearably nerdy that you have to stop saying it. Anyway, what my point is, is that Ben's bottom tooth has poked through, and I can see it now. That is the boring, predictable first tooth that every baby grows first. I could feel it a couple of days ago, but yesterday I actually saw it, and, once I did, I realized that it was anything but boring. It was probably the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life, his little white baby tooth. Ben noticed it yesterday too, and began touching it with his tongue and weirdly opening his mouth. I would also like to report that Ben is officially fat, as yesterday he ate two entire jars of baby food in addition to half of a bottle.

ben's tribute to ray charles 

after this was taken, ben took the most massive crap in history--i'm talking up the belly, down the legs--and then i had to stop him from grabbing it and putting it in his mouth 

the cutest picture in history 

ben is a member of team america, the prestigious basketball team 

ben is SO over isaac mizrahi and i should be making bottles right now

Mary, Ben and I made a little venture to Target yesterday. Our plan was to take Ben on a stroll, makes some purchases, and enjoy the beautiful Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, only 30 minutes into our trip, Ben had a meltdown. He threw his pacifier, his teether ball and his plastic ring onto the floor. He tried to twist out of the stroller. We ran into some family friends who'd never met Ben before, and, of course, Ben was completely unpleasant, prompting one of the family friends to ask, "Is he a happy baby?" "No," I replied without hesitation. What does that mean, is he happy? He began to cry hysterically in the women's shoe aisle. I fed him (only an hour after he'd last eaten, mind you) and he eagerly gulped down a bottle then smiled at Mary as if nothing had ever happened, as if minutes ago strangers hadn't been staring at me as though I had just finished beating him. The shopping trip continued, and Ben spiralled downward, unsatisfied by my attempts to bounce him and/or give him his pacifier. As we made our way to the front of the store, Ben squirming in my arms and fake coughing, I noticed that every other baby in the entire store was happy except for mine. By the time we got to the parking lot, Ben was screaming, tearful and redfaced. As we packed him and all of our purchases into the car, Mary pointed to another baby who appeared to be crying. "See," she said. "He's not the only one." On closer examination, however, that little girl was laughing. Of course she was.

On another note....

Memo to everyone I come into contact with:

Item 1: Don't tell me my problems are "chick problems." I don't trivialize your problems by saying they are "guy problems."

Item 2: If I tell you not to feed my baby animal crackers, don't let me catch you, a mere 40 minutes later, feeding my (toothless) baby animal crackers.

Item 3: If you visit me, pretend like you are interested in my baby. In case you didn't notice, he is endlessly fascinating, intelligent and beautiful.

6th month checkup

Ben went to the doctor's today for his 6th month checkup. Our appointment was at 8:45, and, after making a stop for McGriddles, we arrived 10 minutes early. We watched baby after baby go in before us until, about 40 minutes later, we approached the window and asked them what was going on. Annoyed, the receptionist shuffled through papers until she found Benjamin's slip. Her attitude instantly changed. "I'm sorry," she said. "We had a mix-up. Next time, come up to the window and tell us." I wanted to reply, "Yeah, because you all are so damn approachable," but the receptionist, as usual, would not even look me in the eye. I realized that it wasn't worth it. About twenty minutes later, and one hour into Ben's usual nap time, Ben started flipping out. He threw his pacifier on the ground and squirmed in my arms. He let out a few of his new shrieks he's been working on. The only thing that would calm him down was holding him like a newborn baby, so me and Ryan took turns holding him like this, which looks ridiculous because he is massive. We struck up a conversation with a lady in the waiting room who'd had the same (horrible) doctor that I had, whose name happens to be Dr. Racine at Redlands Community Hospital. She told me about how Dr. R made fun of her when she couldn't walk, and I told her about the time that jokester tried to make me induce labor so it would fit into his schedule and how he made fun of the noise I was making WHEN I HAD A BABY'S HEAD STUCK IN MY VAGINA. Another lady with three kids turned around and said, "Yeah, I had him, too." Sometimes I feel isolated because I don't have any friends my age who have babies, and it felt good to commiserate with these women. We finally were called into the back and Ben was weighed (19 lbs, 14 oz.) and measured (28 in.). He likes the sound of the tissue paper on the patient bed, so he was temporarily satisfied. I tried feeding him, and he ate, but then spit up a bunch on my arm. His eyes started getting that crazy look he gets when he doesn't sleep, and I hoped this would all be over soon. I told the doctor that I felt a molar growing, but she didn't believe me and said she'd never seen that in her years of doctorhood. I swear I feel an edge, and my mother-in-law does too, so we'll see what happens. Maybe Ben's an anomaly. She also advised us to stop his 3 o'clock feeding, so tonight we will try it. I have a funny feeling that won't go over too well. After the doctor left, we had to wait another 30 minutes for the nurses to give him his shots. I had to pin him down so they could get a good angle in his little baby thighs, and his face instantly turned red. He cried and looked into my eyes as if I had betrayed him. But a minute later, he forgot what had happened and we were finally on our way. When we got home, I held him in my arms and sang him the Carousel song by Joni Mitchell. He grabbed my finger and touched it to his cheek and closed his eyes, falling asleep in my arms. I gently placed him in his crib, and he sighed and nuzzled against the mattress.

my silly boy 

mmmmm....elephant trunk 

so embarrassing... 

after waking 

ben gettin' loco 

ben and mama 

ben and daddy 

chunk-a-lunk 

his new face 

ammunition for ben's teenage hostility towards us 

family photo 

Ben bears a striking resemblance to Walter Mathau 

see?!