two little friends

We are still so worried about Elliott, but after a severely frustrating day yesterday, one of the many days during which he screams and throws things all over the house, often containers filled with sticky fluids that I will have to scrub from our floors and couches, he had an amazing day today. He was happy and calm and loving and he really is such a beautiful, BETTER THAN NORMAL-LOOKING boy when his face isn't twisted up in fury. And best of all, he and Ben played outside together for a really long time this afternoon. They chased each other, slid down the slide, squealed, and laughed, and it was completely their own thing--a secret shared between them, what Sally and David and I had a very long time ago. I thought, this is why I had two of them. So they can have these moments together, something in some ways I am so wholly not a part of. There will be no one else they can complain to about Ryan and me who will understand as well as they do. And I think that is a good thing.

seriously?

After an unfortunate incident whereby I shushed a teenager who was way out of line, an incident which escalated to the point where I was questioned by police, I have sworn to never confront people at the movies, no matter how rude they are. And, oh, it is hard for me. I have to push that temper of mine down so hard.

But really, teens and trashy adults, you make me not want to go to the movies anymore. And I know this topic has been overdiscussed, but it's more than just the talking. A man burped in my hair tonight. And he just didn't give a fuck. He was like, bitch, you are in my living room and I'm going to burp in your hair. Except we weren't in his living room. Ryan and I had just paid over 30 dollars for tickets and candy and popcorn, nearly 40 for dinner and 40 more for the babysitter.

But I kept my mouth shut, and, voila, no incidents involving the police.

That said, the evening was still WAY worth it because we got to hang with Bridget and Eric and get out of the house.

As I put Ben to bed, he said, "Why are you leaving me, mommy? You don't love me any more?" And it would have broken my heart if I hadn't spent every second of today and most of my life proving how much I love those two kids. Sometimes mommy needs a break.

i wish i had a mac...

This always takes me way longer than it should. Thanks, Windows Movie Maker. In any case, I know I haven't posted in a while, and there are actually some developments.

Elliott is getting tubes reinserted into his ears next week. This time, Ryan is taking him because I was traumatized last time. This boy HATES the doctor. He doesn't like monitors attached to him, or strangers in his face, and he isn't afraid to let everyone know it. Elliott is starting to learn sign language and he's talking a little bit more, but we really don't know what the status of his hearing is. We've had about six hearing exams, but they've all been inconclusive, mostly because he will not sit still for any number of minutes. We are worried about this, but he's making progress so we'll just keep working with him to figure it out. This week: hair cut. Next week: surgery. He's got a full schedule ahead of him.

Benjamin is currently into "girl" toys. He has a Hello Kitty watch, a collection of Littlest Pet Shop animals, and a heart ring that he tells me is "beautiful." Today, I bought him a baby doll that comes with accessories (a cell phone, a bottle, a diaper) that fit into a flowery backpack. He proudly marched into Kid's Club at the Y and told everyone, "this is my baby back pack. Girls or boys can play with it." He gets strange looks here, but whatever, dude. If he's okay with it, I am. I'd rather he play with dolls than want to punch everyone in the face like most of the boys at the Y.

Here's a video of these amazing boys:

best friend

 

mohop

I want these shoes. I want them with all of my heart.
http://www.mohop.com/gallery/gallery02.htm

my masterpiece

shameless self promotion

A profile I wrote a few years ago will be included in this anthology, due out this spring. It is about a gay karaoke club in the Bay Ridge area of Brooklyn, where Saturday Night Fever was filmed. I am very excited!! Buy it. I promise, it will really be worth your money.

february/march 2009

Elliott turned two yesterday. And he was quite the host. He quickly became overwhelmed and went to sleep as the party continued without him. Benjamin's mood deteriorated throughout the day until I carried him up to his room screaming and he fell asleep almost immediately. The night before, he'd attended a banquet with me, sitting at a table during speeches for nearly 3 hours, which I thought was impressive. On Elliott's birthday, he was pushed to his limits--too many friends and too much sugar. It was a beautiful day, though, and we had a lot of fun.

to ryan

	Ben Kweller - Thirteen
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

letting my guard down

People who know me might think I am confident and tough. People who know me the best know that I am more sensitive and insecure than almost anyone else. But I am really good at faking it. And sometimes, when I am trying to protect myself, when my stress is too high, when everyone is pulling at me from every direction, I close myself right up. I can feel myself doing it, and, worse, I sometimes don't know how to stop.

So what's going to happen when I start doing this to my children? My mom died when I was 10. She was likely mentally ill, but what she is known for is her violent temper and her lack of healthy, intimate relationships. It's a lovely picture. I don't think I am mentally ill (but then us crazies never admit we're crazy!), but I do know that I have this awful temper and I lash out at those closest to me sometimes. Or worse, I just shut them out.

So the answer to my question? It's not going to happen. I've overcome a lot of shit in my life. I will not shut out those people who are most important to me. If I am stressed, I will get through it and I will let them in, keep them close to me, and apologize when I mess up. I have improved myself in so many ways, and I will do this, too.

And Elliott and Ben, you boys, you are everything to me. Today, we made a fort and we wrestled and tickled each other and laughed and I had a shitload of papers to grade, but I didn't care. I'll get them done tomorrow. Because sometimes, you just have to enjoy what is in front of you.

okay, america. it looks like we're going to have to take care of this ourselves.