chaos

I'm sitting at a dining room table right now. Here are just a few of the items that litter its surface: a bottle of acetaminophen, Cinderella stickers, a garbage bin, a Valentin'es project Ben completed months ago, a set of Allen wrenches, a lampshade. The lampshade used to be attached to a lamp that Ben threw on the ground this morning to protest his time out. He seems to like our new house to a degree, but something has gone haywire in his brain, and he can't sleep and he breaks things and screams and acts like a maniac. He's sweet and loving and funny in between his mental breakdowns, which gets us through the day. But we don't look forward to nighttime. We know we won't sleep.

And Elliott? He doesn't care about the move. He's doing just fine. Today I was rubbing his belly and he was smiling at me and you seemed so mellow and peaceful and comfortable with the world and I thought, I hope you aren't as intense as I am. I hope you escaped that, kid. Because I know Ben didn't.

I am tired from all of the moving and cleaning, but the house is getting there. And though we are overwhelmed, we are happy to be here. We've lived in 8 different places in the last 7 years, and I am ready to stop moving. I want to be here for a long time.

I'm not ph-fat; I'm fat like Mr. Belvedere...it sucks.

elliott is four months old!

Hi Elliott,
You are four months old. Well, you have been for a couple of days now. You are a sweet little baby who can almost roll over now. When you wake up, you keep your eyes closed and cry and then when you finally open them, you look into my face and smile as though I am the most wonderful magician who has performed a magnificent trick. I haven't. I'm just me. But you don't know that yet.

I am looking forward to seeing your personality develop and to watching you start scooting around the house. We are moving next week, so you will have a new house to scoot around in soon. You won't even remember this place and it's crickets that have returned to take over my life, and the bees that hump in the kitchen window and the spiders that hang over my bed. We could ask the landlords to call an exterminator, but they haven't fixed the dishwasher in five months, so the liklihood they will fix the problem is quite low.

We will soon be in a house that we won't have to move away from (assuming we pay the mortgage), and I can't wait.

i feel...

like crap. I feel lonely and depressed and I don't know why. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, but I know that I have to. My eyes are welling up as I write this, I am that pathetic right now.

Off of the subject of what a big loser I am: Benjamin put chapstick on Ryan's nipple today.

bridget and eric's wedding

at home...it's too hot to go outside

my pride slides down the drain

I vacuum the house as Ben pokes me in the butt with his green pool noodle squealing Mommy Mommy Mommy Play Mommy Mommy Mommy.

how to isolate yourself

Have kids! People will stop calling and inviting you to do things! They will get annoyed when you call and act irritated when you come over! It's so much fun!

my boys

home owners

Ryan and Angela Bartlett: home owners. I not only won't believe it until I sign the paperwork, I won't believe it until I have slept in that home for thirty straight days without the real owners coming to kick us out and replace us. Are we really going to live in that home? Our home? Yes. Do I believe it yet? Not really.

time out

Time outs for Ben represent a two-minute hellish existence free from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse cartoon that is on a constant loop in our home. When he is in time out, he screams, "Mickey...Mickey...Mickey...I want Mickey" until the time out is finished and he returns to his favorite friend. He's watched so many episodes of this show that he has started saying the lines before Mickey gets to them, answering the questions before they are asked. He acts out the scenes, mimics the dance moves. When he wakes up in the morning, the first word out of his mouth is Mickey. When it is time for bed, he sadly shouts "more Mickey" knowing that he will have to go several hours without.

everything at once

We just put an offer down on a house. We will hear about the loan in about an hour. Everything is happening at once! I am driving Ryan crazy with my anxiety. I asked him so many questions, he left the room. I wish I could leave the room. I baked a pie because I can't stand waiting, but it didn't take long enough. Agh!

random photos, all from this month!