jen, this is for you

I do not know what to say because I've been so busy I haven't had the time to just sit down and think and just process stuff. I had a stalker at work the past few weeks, and then there were finals and then THE HOLIDAYS! So it's been police escorts, grading papers, buying presents, etc. for the past several weeks. And now it is Christmas Eve and it has all come so quickly. Benjamin is so, so excited for tomorrow morning. And Elliott is managing the holidays without screaming in everyone's face, which is the best I can ask of him. Benjamin didn't like holidays at all before. At ages two and three, he was like the cool teenager who is too aloof to enjoy the nerdy holidays. Probably he acted like this because he had sensory issues like Elliott does. But that's out the window now, and holidays are Ben's favorite time. He likes the candy and presents, yes, but he also loves socializing with both kids and adults. He enjoys dancing and signing and laughing, all of it. When he got an "O" for outstanding on his report card for socializing, I was so proud of him. Sure, he did great on the academic stuff too, but this is a kid who would barely look at me or hug me or speak to me, let alone others, and now he's one of the most popular kids in the class. All I want is for my kids to live well-rounded, happy lives, and I'm glad he's getting there. Elliott is getting there too. He told me "I love you, too" today and he's been saying "I did it!" a lot lately. His brain is on fast-forward for learning right now, and we're taking advantage of that. My sweet, sweet boys. Merry Christmas to everyone!

thankful, thankful

Yes, this is late, but oh well.

1. I am thankful for Ryan. I'm a pain in the ass and he puts up with me and even loves me for it.
2. I am thankful for Benjamin and Elliott. My life would be empty without them. I can't even imagine it before they were here. I thought I was busy with important things before they were born...but now I am busy with important things for real! I love those little boys more than anything, even though they screamed a lot more than usual today. I am thankful to watch them both grow and learn every day.
3. I am thankful for my extended family and all of the love and support they give me no matter how many times I lose my keys in their presence.
4. I am thankful for a steady job in this economy, one where I get to help people and continually grow and challenge myself. I am thankful for this despite the fact that every once in a while, a student sends me a series of disturbing emails.
5. I am thankful for my health and will continue to work hard to maintain that. If I didn't have exercise, I think I would lose my mind.
6. I'm thankful for Celexa. Not as heartwarming, I know, but sometimes crazy pills are a good thing.
7. I'm thankful we lost our house this year. I am so much happier in our new house, and its much less stressful financially. So this one was really a blessing in disguise.
8. I'm thankful for food. Because food is awesome.
9. Okay, I'm blanking now. Happy belated Thanksgiving!

the other woman in ben's life

Ben's had minimum days all weeks because it's parent/teacher conference time (our first!) and so in the morning he gets to go to recess with the big kids on the big playground, which is louder and crazier than the tiny, regulated kindergarten-only playground. So he was all excited this morning because now he's gotten used to it. He ran away from me, dropped off his backpack, quickly kissed me and ran around the corner and all the way across the asphalt to the big playground.

I said goodbye to him, but I secretly followed so I could watch him. He was wearing a bright red sweater and seemed to be the only one with bright yellow hair, so it was easy to see him among the screaming and running kids all around. His confident run slowed to a jog, which slowed to a complete stop when he realized there was no one he recognized anywhere around him. He folded his hands in front of his body and just stood there, confused, vulnerable. It took everything in me not to dart across and scoop him up in my arms. He just looked so little.

But I waited. I told myself that I can't just scoop him up when he feels unsure, that he has to learn how to deal with this. I waited and waited. 2 minutes felt like forever. And then, suddenly, his friend Kimberly yelled his name, and they ran towards each other like people run towards each other in slow motion on the beach in movies and commercials. They threw their arms around each other, and Kimberly held Ben's hand and they skipped away, utterly happy. And a part of me was so happy that he is doing so well in kindergarten, that he has good friends who love him and accept him. But every day, he grows more independent from me. I know this is all part of the deal, but it's such a bittersweet feeling; it makes me incredibly proud and incredibly sad all at the same time.

creepiest. sales pitch. ever.

sweet boy

I know it has been FOREVER since I posted...but I did move AND get tenure (yay!) and battle the flu in the last month.

What I want to write about today is Elliott's progress. We saw the new Defeat Autism Now (DAN) doctor in Irvine, Dr. Barrett mid-October. She was kind and balanced and thorough and she took Elliott off of the 24 supplements he was on and put him on 5, which is much more manageable and less costly. Within two weeks, we saw huge improvement, but I am not sure if it is the supplements or the applied behavior analysis (ABA), or both. ABA is when they come in our home five days a week for 2 hours per day and work with Elliott on his behavior and social skills. The goal is to replace his non-socially acceptable behaviors with behaviors that are more appropriate and to break tasks into tiny steps so that he can accomplish them more easily. We got the best company in our region, AST, and I'm so happy about his progress with them as well. Back to our doctor. She is working to get rid of a yeast overgrowth that he has in his belly, and we've seen results. Elliott told me he loved me for the first time. And he also told his grandma he loved her too. He has been playing with Ben, trying to talk, learning his body parts, trying to help dress himself, etc., things he didn't do as well or at all before. He seems less likely to tantrum and more "normal" in general. He even did well on Halloween--he kept his costume on and said "Trick or Treat" and didn't scream. That's a major success for us! So this month has been busy, but really good. We are settled into our house now, and we really love it.

This post is about Elliott, but Benjamin is doing really well, too. He's doing really well in school and he's been loving and kind to his brother and everyone else for that matter.

I'm really enjoying the boys at this age.

pumpkin patch '09

Elliott's school picture! Ben's is coming soon!

ben's bday pics

Let me preface this by saying, remember when Elliott was screaming the whole time at his birthday? Yes, that is why some of you are not featured in these photos. We were just trying to get through it together.

at least they come by it honestly

There have been days when I have ripped off my toenail while rushing upstairs to provide Ryan with an Ativan to soothe his panic attack, the kids' wailing following me up the stairs. There have been days when I have sealed myself into the laundry room just to catch my breath and momentarily get away from the intensity and chaos. I have one student right now, one out of one hundred and twenty, who does not approve of the job I am doing as his professor, who emails me daily about it, and though he is in the minority, he is all I can focus on. When I get really angry or really frustrated, I throw things or smash them and want to punch someone in the face.

I'm a perfectionist with an anger problem.

So it should not surprise me that my children enjoy screaming. That if Benjamin cannot replicate Disney's rendition of Mickey Mouse EXACTLY that he will crumple up the paper and throw it to the floor and proclaim that he is a "terrible drawer," that he "ruined it," that he "hates Mickey."

It shouldn't surprise me that upon politely requesting Elliott's presence in the living room so that I might change his applesauce-laden shirt, he declines by throwing his body back into the floor, screaming red-faced and kicking in protest.

Sometimes things get intense in our household.

So last week when we moved, I was prepared, but it didn't make things a lot easier. Elliott did remarkably okay even though he started is behavioral therapy (yay!). Benjamin, fresh off the high of his fifth birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, began obsessing worse than he has in at least a year. This time, it was about his mouth. His discovery of his own saliva, what he calls "water," freaked him out--he thought I was putting water in his cereal, his soup, his milk. He thought people at school were spiking his cupcakes with water. He tried frantically to get the water out of his mouth by putting his fingers in there and rinsing his mouth out, which only generated more saliva. Then it was his lips. My lips are touching the pillow, my lips are touching my shirt, my lips are touching the blanket. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Dad. Dad. Dad. Mom. Often, this constant stream of worries came at four A.M. It didn't help that his teacher was absent all last week in addition to everything else in his life changing.

But this weekend was better. He slept past four. He had the same concerns, but they are much less frequent and more easily soothed away. The house is unpacked. Our life moves on. We've made this move to lessen our stress, so here's to making that happen one day at a time.

interruption in your service

Hey all four of you out there who read this,
I've got a message for you.
While I get my life back in order, I will be posting updates less frequently.
But know that we are okay, that we are getting through this time, that our family is happier than ever, even though everything is crazy with a capital C.
Plans for October:
Move, throw Ben the best birthday party ever, write a self-evaluation and then get observed by four colleagues, get tenure approved (yay!), start a new battle with Inland Regional Center for services for Elliott, see a brand new DAN! doctor for Elliott in Irvine.
And if I make it through to the other end of this month, then I will spend a whole day watching Oprah and eating oatmeal in my pajamas. Because that's how I roll.

material for their tell-all memoirs

Today we signed the lease for a house. We will move next month. It is a really beautiful, big house, in a wonderful neighborhood and I feel that we will be happy there. I am relieved to be leaving this house behind, to be free from the prison of those ridiculous payments and constant repairs. But sitting here right now, I feel sad because I have worked so hard to make this place our home, and we are going into yet another blank canvas and I will have to work so hard again to make it feel like home for the kids, to make this transition as smooth as possible for them. I know no matter what I do, there will be a transition, and it will be difficult. Benjamin and Elliott are not known for their transitioning skills, though Ben has grown much less rigid with age.

And then, maybe in a few years, we will have to do this all over again.

I know we have no other option right now.

I hope they don't hate me for all of this.

happy birthday to me!

Well, I am 30 now. I'm don't really get sad about aging, even though I joke about it. I guess I really have everything I want and need and so I don't feel antsy about getting it. (Recently removed from list of things I want: a house.) There is no clock ticking down for me. In fact, I am excited about this year. This last one has been one of the more difficult years. I have been challenged but I have also grown a lot. And I have aged a lot. I feel older because I don't sleep as much as I should--I am not capable of it for some reason--and I worry all of the time about everything. But I also think I've realized how much stronger I am than I thought I was, particularly with all of the fighting we have done for Elliott's health. He had a hard week as far as his behavior, but today he barely tantrumed and he said all sorts of words. He even said "Brush my teeth please" CLEARLY. Prompted, but still. I would have never imagined him saying that even a month ago. His voice. It is so nice to finally hear it.

Ryan and his family threw me an amazing birthday party. As everyone was singing "Happy Birthday" to me, I got really emotional and almost cried, which surprised me. Everyone was so kind and so generous and it made up for the hard weeks and even months that have recently passed. I feel very loved and I am more grateful than I can say. In a year from now, I want Elliott to be talking to me and making friends at school. That is my birthday wish and I want it with all of my heart and I will work so hard to make it happen. I want to be a better person, to simplify my life, and to make better decisions.

We are moving in a few weeks, and it feels like everything is changing and nothing is changing because I still have all of these people that love me, that love our little family, no matter where we go. So, here's to 30. Now it's time to plan Ben's Scooby Doo birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. God help me.

swallowing my pride

I went to six different schools before I hit the sixth grade. I didn't mind the moves so much at first--each one was a chance to start over, to become a new Angela--and I didn't realize it at the time, but the moves were hard on me. I know my parents didn't plan on them. I remember how excited we all were when they bought the house in Highland and we would live in a normal tract home and be a normal family and not some troupe of roaming gypsies. The last two places before Highland were a motel called the Goodnite Inn, where our family of five lived in one room for four months, and my dad's property in Calimesa, a dusty piece of land unconnected to the city that surrounded it. In Highland it was different. There were paved roads! And sidewalks! And neighbors!

I have always found comfort in the fact that despite my unconventional upbringing, despite all of our unconventional upbringings, I--we--could force things to be better, to be the way that we wanted them to be, with just a lot of hard work and determination. And so I got married, worked four jobs through undergraduate and then graduate school, moved back pregnant, had a baby, got a full-time job, had another baby, bought a house. All before I was 28. I have watched my other friends, sometimes enviously, taking deep breaths and moving slowly and probably enjoying things more, but I have told myself I like this whirlwind, that I thrive on challenging myself.

I am blessed and I am happy in so many ways.

But I am tired.

We are searching out every possible treatment for Elliott. We have maxed out our credit cards doing so. But, of course, I thought I had it all under control. Because I always do. It is always under control. Except it wasn't.

We had had a two-hour appointment in which we were informed of all of the problems going on inside of Elliott's body and the various and seemingly endless possibilities for treatment. It was overwhelming and it made me sad and it made me wish that none of this were true, that I would wake up and he would be fine the next day. I stumbled out in that emotional state to the reception desk. When I went to pay, my credit card was declined. A second card was declined. I tried to fight it, but tears began slipping out of my eyes and I felt helpless and I wished I could disappear. I normally am not as aware of what a big person I am, but in that office, I felt enormous, out of proportion for the tiny, clean office, a gigantic mess of an intruder. An intruder who couldn't pay.

The office girls were nice about it. "Call us," they cooed. "It's okay."

I got the hell out of there and went into hysterics in the safety of my Toyota Matrix.

I was out of control. Everything was out of control. Things needed to change.

Ryan and I have sat down and made lists and cried together. We have cried until we can't cry anymore. We are exhausted. We are sick and getting sick and our house is a mess. We haven't opened all of our mail. Our laundry has not been put away. It is chaos here.

And we have decided that we need to simplify. That we are tired of all of this fighting. We have good jobs and we have amazing kids and we have so many wonderful things in our lives.

We are thinking of walking away from our house. In fact, we are pretty sure we are going to do it.

We are thinking of starting over, of simplifying, of ignoring our pride and putting Elliott and Benjamin and our sanity first.

This is a tremendous blow to my pride, to my philosophy of forcing things to happen even when they seem impossible. I am tired of forcing it. I just want to enjoy my life and help my little boy get better.

I wanted something different than what I grew up with. I didn't want the constant moving, the lack of stability. I convinced myself that I could control all of that. But maybe I can't. I am ready to let go. I am ready to change. I am ready to start over.

more progress! YES!

It's a day to day thing. Sometimes there are a string of days when Elliott screams and won't look at us and nothing seems to make him happy. But then there are days like today and yesterday. He said goodbye to everyone at preschool as he strolled down the hall. Ryan took him to a friends house and he played cars with Ben and his little friend Peregrine. Not on the other side of the room. Not next to them. WITH them. All I want is for him to be happy and balanced and have meaningful relationships with other people. On days like today, I can see it. But the waiting, the tedium of these incremental improvements, the time--sometimes it can feel unbearable. But we look back at 6 months ago and see a completely different boy and so we just keep doing everything we can.

kindergarten interview

the list you've all been waiting for

Ben has been asking me for various toys for about six months and I keep telling him maybe for his birthday. Then, after his birthday, I will go with Santa Claus. And then back to his birthday. It's an incredibly useful cycle that saves me money, though I suspect he'll be less satisfied with this as he gets older. When I finally got around to sitting down with him and making a wish list, he got a really confused look on his face and struggled to come up with stuff. Here is his list, in his words:

1. Land Before Time dinosaur toys
2. Green shirt guy and his car
3. Candyland princesses
4. Scooby games that aren't too hard
5. Scooby shoes
6. Scooby toothbrush
7. Robin and Batman
8. Spiderman
9. Ben 10's friend who touches gray things and turns to gray and touches yellow and opens them.

Not only is the above list often confusing and/or random, Ben needs none of it. But there it is.

Tomorrow he starts kindergarten. We went to orientation tonight and his teacher seems very friendly and intelligent--I packed his lunch and put a little note with a heart and MOM and DAD printed in it. Here's to his new adventure away from me--for the next 13 years...

on the subject of b-12 and other aspects of our lives

Okay, so I know I haven't posted in a while, but I have Facebook to keep up with! In any case, I promised myself I would keep track of everything we are doing with Elliott. So here goes. We got his labs done last Friday and will get those back soon. We have also started him on methyl B-12 shots. These are tiny insulin needles, but it is still incredibly nervewracking to inject him in his butt with this every day. However, he started saying words this week, regularly! He even recognized letters and numbers by sight, both at home and at school. Many people claim that there is a placebo effect with B-12, that I wish that he will change and so he changes, but I have seen real progress this week, and I can't wait to see what happens in the next month. Maybe it's not the B-12, maybe it is the endless speech and occupational therapies. Whatever it is, we will continue doing all of it because he's getting better and better every week. Benjamin told me that they gave Elliott a pretzel at Kids' Club at the Y on Wednesday, and then he said, "Mom, you need to put a sign on Elliott that says 'no wheat and no dairy.'" He is already looking out for his little brother, which just makes me hug him hard.

Last weekend, we spent time with the kids Aunt Jillian and Uncle Morgan, and we had an amazing time. Elliott slept incredibly well and seemed happy most of the weekend. We discovered that he cannot take the sand on the beach. He swatted at it and screamed until Ryan and Morgan drove him back to the apartment, but Benjamin had a wonderful time in the water--he even saw dolphins and caught sand crabs. We are going to try and spend the weekend with Jill and Morg more often because we had such a relaxing and wonderful time with two of our best friends and the kids loved (almost) every second of it, too.

Elliott loves his preschool now and happily traipses into his classroom without even a whimper three days a week. Benjamin has been home with us but he starts kindergarten on Thursday. We peered into his classroom last night when we were walking the dog, and he told me he is excited. I ordered a Scooby Doo backpack on Ebay and that sucker better come soon because the guys promised fast shipping. He will suffer my wrath on the feedback forum if he is lying about that.

Sorry for the randomness. This is my life.

elliott update

Before we get to the Elliott update, a quick p.s. on that bully at the pool. His name is Todd and his favorite place to go is McDonald's. He grabs at the girls under the water. If that kid doesn't grow up to date-rape someone, I'll be shocked.

In the past few months, Elliott was rejecting anything that was soft or mushy in texture, forcing me to buy freeze-dried versions of fruits and vegetables and to saute meats until crispy so he would get some protein. However, in the last week, he will eat anything I put in front of him. Today, he had a broccoli and ham omelet. He eats adult-sized quantities of everything I put in front of him, all of which is new: potatoes, bananas, sweet potatoes, green beans, squash, chicken, beef, black beans, cauliflower, eggs, pears, strawberries, lentil beans...the list goes on and on and on. It's pretty awesome, given that he can't eat dairy and wheat; now I don't have to worry about him getting the nutrients he needs.

We saw a biomedical doctor last week for him as well, and she has ordered a series of labs to see what is going on in his body. This means, that I collect his poop and pee and mail it to people to examine; it's so much fun! Based on all of the research I am doing, autism is really not understood and is actually a combination of symptoms caused by toxic overload in the body. We are going to work to clean Elliott's system out and see if it helps. He's already making tons of progress. Today, he pointed at the colors red and black, saying the words clearly. Yesterday, he said cupcake clearly. Last weekend, he said the words on several flash cards. He still isn't doing it spontaneously, but he's getting there. We have him on a multivitamin, cod liver oil, and enzymes, and each week we add something new. I have learned so much about our immune system from the several books I'm reading. I have to say, the Jenny McCarthy book Healing and Preventing Autism, is really informative and enlightening. It says the sames things as several of the other books but in a much more accessible way. I've been making my way slowly through it because it's still very dense and very science-y, which everyone knows is not my strong suit. I know people hate Jenny McCarthy, but I really think that if you hate Jenny McCarthy, then it's more about you than it is about her. She has worked really hard, with a doctor, to help her son, and she simply wants to share what she has learned so others can benefit. Mainstream doctors write all of the biomedical stuff off, and there are no major clinical studies of anything, largely because there's not much money in it. How sad is that? All I can say is we will do whatever we can to help him and making his immune system strong and clearing the toxins out of his body isn't going to hurt. Sometimes I feel like a crazed hippie when I explain all of this to people, and I guess I kind of am. Maybe I'll stop wearing deodorant, too.

I'm not sure how I'm going to keep up with all of the appointments and work--this really is like having a second job--once the semester starts back up again, but we'll make it happen. We always do. I am really looking forward to the day when I can say that I am bored.

bullies

When Ben was in the pool for his swim lesson on Monday, some kid accused him of spitting water out. He went up to all of the other kids and said, "This kid spits water out! Look at him!" Everyone looked at Ben and Ben, behind dark turtle shaped goggles, sadly put most of his face in the water and stared straight ahead, in an apparent attempt to disappear. This kid was very obnoxious and the other kids ignored him. Ryan went and spoke to Ben to reassure him and the swim lesson went on. The father of this kid looked on, not seeming to care.

I know this is normal, that this will happen in kindergarten, that we won't be there to protect him. But my god, it is more painful than I thought. The best way to handle bullies is to not let them know they are getting to you, but I was the worst at that when I was a kid. I remember when my dad chopped all of my hair off and everyone at school called me a boy and I got so mad I started shaking and sputtering all over the place, unable to spit anything back. And the torture just got worse because of that. I've never had a good poker face, or a poker face at all. Maybe I should listen to more Lady GaGa. In any case, we told Ben that he needs to ignore kids when they are mean like that, to seek out the nice kids to play with. And if it gets really bad, to tell his teacher. The way I really want to handle it? I want Ben to point out the kid so I can pick him off on the playground to see if he has any bully left in him when he comes face to face with me. Ben can be obnoxious, but he is never mean to other kids and he is really sensitive. I feel like I'm throwing him into a den of coyotes sending him to kindergarten. This parenting thing is HARD.

the kids