happy birthday to me!

Well, I am 30 now. I'm don't really get sad about aging, even though I joke about it. I guess I really have everything I want and need and so I don't feel antsy about getting it. (Recently removed from list of things I want: a house.) There is no clock ticking down for me. In fact, I am excited about this year. This last one has been one of the more difficult years. I have been challenged but I have also grown a lot. And I have aged a lot. I feel older because I don't sleep as much as I should--I am not capable of it for some reason--and I worry all of the time about everything. But I also think I've realized how much stronger I am than I thought I was, particularly with all of the fighting we have done for Elliott's health. He had a hard week as far as his behavior, but today he barely tantrumed and he said all sorts of words. He even said "Brush my teeth please" CLEARLY. Prompted, but still. I would have never imagined him saying that even a month ago. His voice. It is so nice to finally hear it.

Ryan and his family threw me an amazing birthday party. As everyone was singing "Happy Birthday" to me, I got really emotional and almost cried, which surprised me. Everyone was so kind and so generous and it made up for the hard weeks and even months that have recently passed. I feel very loved and I am more grateful than I can say. In a year from now, I want Elliott to be talking to me and making friends at school. That is my birthday wish and I want it with all of my heart and I will work so hard to make it happen. I want to be a better person, to simplify my life, and to make better decisions.

We are moving in a few weeks, and it feels like everything is changing and nothing is changing because I still have all of these people that love me, that love our little family, no matter where we go. So, here's to 30. Now it's time to plan Ben's Scooby Doo birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. God help me.