Sunday, March 30, 2008

update

It is hard to do an update when there is always so much going on. None of the things I want to say fit into neat categories, and since I want everything to fit into neat categories, I get confused and anxious when they don't. There was one thing I didn't want to forget: how Benjamin got sad at the end of "The Tiny Seed," how he cried and said the flower was "broken" and I thought what a sensitive boy I have here. Though most of the time he wants daddy now, tonight we snuggled up and read "I Love You Forever" and I wanted to cry at the end because I will be old and dead and he'll be a grown man singing to his own kid one day. Doesn't that suck? That book creeps me out still, mainly when the old lady sneaks into the grown man's house to hold him. I mean, where was his wife? Wouldn't she be pissed? Even call the cops? But now that I'm a mom, I understand the sentiment. I want to always be able to hold my little boys against me. When Ben and I are reading together or watching a movie, and he is snuggled into the crook of my arm, I always think, this isn't going to last forever, and even though I am happier than anything, there is also this profound sense of loss at the same time. This is what makes being a parent so difficult. There is no reconciliation between the feelings. When you feel the most love, you feel the most fear that that love will be taken away. Ryan and I think that Elliott is not obsessive and anxious like the rest of us. I know he is only a baby, but there is this peacefulness about his face that none of the rest of us has. Even though he is hyper and crawling so fast he hits his head on the floor, he has the huge, calm, pretty eyes that seem to say he is taking it all in stride. Maybe the rest of us can learn from him. I hope so. I am still taking medication for my horrible anxiety, but I am also taking up yoga and listening to this new age relaxation tape that my doctor recommended, and if that stuff works, I'm weaning myself off of this crap. The tape says that the ability to relax is like a muscle you have to exercise--if you practice, you can better develop the skill. My god, I hope he is right.

easter mayhem


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Monday, March 24, 2008

ahhhh....the family

I made the decision to stay away from family this Easter for several reasons: a) I don't like watching Jesus be dragged through the streets on Passion of the Christ while my kids try to enjoy Easter chocolate, b) my parents are going through a bizarre and messy divorce and I didn't want to deal with it, c)it is a long and scream-filled drive to my parents' house, and d) I simply wanted to relax at home with my children.

I am happy to say that this was the correct decision. My father harassed my brother about the size of his ears and the level of his religiosity. This ended in a fight, after which my father and my brother sped off in their respective vehicles. When my five year old brother asked for the easter egg hunt he was promised, my stepmom told him the easter bunny drove away, that there would be no more hunt. My sister, who is 9 months pregnant, hid the eggs outside, the hunt was on, everyone ate, and they went home. The entire ordeal took six hours, if you count the drive in each direction.

Damn. I missed it.

Instead, we had an easter egg hunt with the boys, and colored eggs and lazed about at our house and my in-laws', sipping beer and blowing bubbles for Ben in the shade, laughing and catching up. I was truly relaxed. I feel no guilt whatsoever. I have got to put myself and my family in healthy, happy, relaxing situations, and just say fuck it to the rest. I can't express how much I don't care. I don't care so much that this lack of care is an actual force I can feel, radiating beams of apathy directly from my body to Indio, California. It's like the Care Bears, except its just me and I'm not saving anyone. And I'm not a fruit-colored bear. So really, it's not at all like the Care Bears.

Happy Easter.

Thursday, March 20, 2008