Wednesday, April 25, 2007

to my baby elliott

Hi Elliott,
Just so you know, you are not going to get a monthly update, but I am going to shoot for bimonthly. You are the second child. I know it's not fair, but it's life, and at least you were not born in some war-torn nation. At least you were also born to me, likely the most sane one in my family, though that might be arguable. In any case, this morning at around 4:45am, you would not go back to sleep. As soon as I'd get you to sleep, you make this little high-pitched squeal that precedes your not so little scream, and as I got out of bed to put your pacifier back in your mouth, I said, "Jesus Christ, I just want one more hour of sleep!" Once I had calmed you down, I had to remember the days when Benjamin was a baby. He didn't sleep a stretch longer than two hours at a time until he was over four months old, and here you are, not even two months old, sleeping two four-hour stretches at night, and I'm still complaining. So, thank you, baby boy. Thank you for the four-hour stretches.
Speaking of your brother, tonight we read Benjamin a book about Curious George and his various emotions/mindsets (happy, sad, mischevious, and, yes, curious) and Ben acted out every one of them by putting his hand on his hip, or looking disdainful, or laughing, or pretending to cry. His personality and language are on fast-forward these last couple of months, and every day he surprises me and makes me laugh.

Monday, April 16, 2007

no, i'm not nursing any more. thanks for asking.

I want so badly to tell the world to fuck off, to stop asking me about why I'm not nursing the baby anymore. But I'm not angry. On the contrary. I agree with them. I feel like the worst mother in the world. I don't even completely know why I don't like breastfeeding. It doesn't make me feel weird. It is just extremely stressful for me. I feel as though I am constantly doing it wrong. He isn't getting enough milk. I need to be with him at all hours, boobs reading for feeding. I don't feel like myself. I start feeling resentful. I don't want to have something attached to my breast at all hours every day. When he gets upset while nursing, I think there is something wrong with me, with my milk, with me. It would be difficult with my erratic work and life schedule to continue breastfeeding, but the truth is I could make it happen if I wanted to. I feel extremely guilty about this, but I don't want to. No other mothers feel this way, apparently. I am a bad mother. I'm depriving him of nutrients and health benefits he can never recapture. Giving him formula is like giving him Spam or Cheez Whiz. I read that. My milk is almost gone. I'm crying right now. But I don't want to breastfeed him any more.

My biological mother breastfed me for a full year. Then she left me on a doorstep with all of my things in a garbage bag when I was five. This could mean that just because you breastfeed for a long time, you are not necessarily a good mother. But it also shows me that even a crappy mom like her could breastfeed me the right length of time. Even she had it in her. Where does that leave me?

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Monday, April 02, 2007


Elliott's got stomach sleep...smell like vomit and tired.