Sunday, September 27, 2009

interruption in your service

Hey all four of you out there who read this,
I've got a message for you.
While I get my life back in order, I will be posting updates less frequently.
But know that we are okay, that we are getting through this time, that our family is happier than ever, even though everything is crazy with a capital C.
Plans for October:
Move, throw Ben the best birthday party ever, write a self-evaluation and then get observed by four colleagues, get tenure approved (yay!), start a new battle with Inland Regional Center for services for Elliott, see a brand new DAN! doctor for Elliott in Irvine.
And if I make it through to the other end of this month, then I will spend a whole day watching Oprah and eating oatmeal in my pajamas. Because that's how I roll.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

material for their tell-all memoirs

Today we signed the lease for a house. We will move next month. It is a really beautiful, big house, in a wonderful neighborhood and I feel that we will be happy there. I am relieved to be leaving this house behind, to be free from the prison of those ridiculous payments and constant repairs. But sitting here right now, I feel sad because I have worked so hard to make this place our home, and we are going into yet another blank canvas and I will have to work so hard again to make it feel like home for the kids, to make this transition as smooth as possible for them. I know no matter what I do, there will be a transition, and it will be difficult. Benjamin and Elliott are not known for their transitioning skills, though Ben has grown much less rigid with age.

And then, maybe in a few years, we will have to do this all over again.

I know we have no other option right now.

I hope they don't hate me for all of this.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

happy birthday to me!

Well, I am 30 now. I'm don't really get sad about aging, even though I joke about it. I guess I really have everything I want and need and so I don't feel antsy about getting it. (Recently removed from list of things I want: a house.) There is no clock ticking down for me. In fact, I am excited about this year. This last one has been one of the more difficult years. I have been challenged but I have also grown a lot. And I have aged a lot. I feel older because I don't sleep as much as I should--I am not capable of it for some reason--and I worry all of the time about everything. But I also think I've realized how much stronger I am than I thought I was, particularly with all of the fighting we have done for Elliott's health. He had a hard week as far as his behavior, but today he barely tantrumed and he said all sorts of words. He even said "Brush my teeth please" CLEARLY. Prompted, but still. I would have never imagined him saying that even a month ago. His voice. It is so nice to finally hear it.

Ryan and his family threw me an amazing birthday party. As everyone was singing "Happy Birthday" to me, I got really emotional and almost cried, which surprised me. Everyone was so kind and so generous and it made up for the hard weeks and even months that have recently passed. I feel very loved and I am more grateful than I can say. In a year from now, I want Elliott to be talking to me and making friends at school. That is my birthday wish and I want it with all of my heart and I will work so hard to make it happen. I want to be a better person, to simplify my life, and to make better decisions.

We are moving in a few weeks, and it feels like everything is changing and nothing is changing because I still have all of these people that love me, that love our little family, no matter where we go. So, here's to 30. Now it's time to plan Ben's Scooby Doo birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. God help me.