Monday, April 16, 2007

no, i'm not nursing any more. thanks for asking.

I want so badly to tell the world to fuck off, to stop asking me about why I'm not nursing the baby anymore. But I'm not angry. On the contrary. I agree with them. I feel like the worst mother in the world. I don't even completely know why I don't like breastfeeding. It doesn't make me feel weird. It is just extremely stressful for me. I feel as though I am constantly doing it wrong. He isn't getting enough milk. I need to be with him at all hours, boobs reading for feeding. I don't feel like myself. I start feeling resentful. I don't want to have something attached to my breast at all hours every day. When he gets upset while nursing, I think there is something wrong with me, with my milk, with me. It would be difficult with my erratic work and life schedule to continue breastfeeding, but the truth is I could make it happen if I wanted to. I feel extremely guilty about this, but I don't want to. No other mothers feel this way, apparently. I am a bad mother. I'm depriving him of nutrients and health benefits he can never recapture. Giving him formula is like giving him Spam or Cheez Whiz. I read that. My milk is almost gone. I'm crying right now. But I don't want to breastfeed him any more.

My biological mother breastfed me for a full year. Then she left me on a doorstep with all of my things in a garbage bag when I was five. This could mean that just because you breastfeed for a long time, you are not necessarily a good mother. But it also shows me that even a crappy mom like her could breastfeed me the right length of time. Even she had it in her. Where does that leave me?

4 comments:

Hana said...

Go easy on yourself. I weaned Milo at 2.5 months and it was the best move I could have made. And ... he's never been sick. I mean NEVER. Do what's right for you. Who knows what was right for your mom. Maybe she knew that that was the only thing she could give you, or maybe she liked it for her own reasons. You're a great mom and breastfeeding has nothing to do with it.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Hana! You are one of the most amazing mothers I know. I will probably breastfeed for 1 day and then forget the kid at the store or something! Please go easy on yourself, or I will have to kick your ass for being hard on my best friend. I love you!
Jill

Anonymous said...

Hey, knock it off! When people asked me why I wasn't breastfeeding, I would tell them that I didn't want some kid hanging off my boob all the time. I think everything worked out okay. No crack heads, no perverts, no teen pregnancies, no jailbirds. It matters more how you love them than what you feed them. You are an amazing mother and you know...it takes on to know one! I love you! Mary

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way as you do right now. One of my nipples is flat so I had to use a breastshield, and now I pump right after I feed him all through the night to try and give him "what he needs" It is a total pain in the ass. Yeah I love the sweet idea of snuggling in with my baby and nursing but that is the reality in my world...I want to tell everyone to get fucked too so thanks for your blog really it made me feel better.

Heather~