I want so badly to tell the world to fuck off, to stop asking me about why I'm not nursing the baby anymore. But I'm not angry. On the contrary. I agree with them. I feel like the worst mother in the world. I don't even completely know why I don't like breastfeeding. It doesn't make me feel weird. It is just extremely stressful for me. I feel as though I am constantly doing it wrong. He isn't getting enough milk. I need to be with him at all hours, boobs reading for feeding. I don't feel like myself. I start feeling resentful. I don't want to have something attached to my breast at all hours every day. When he gets upset while nursing, I think there is something wrong with me, with my milk, with me. It would be difficult with my erratic work and life schedule to continue breastfeeding, but the truth is I could make it happen if I wanted to. I feel extremely guilty about this, but I don't want to. No other mothers feel this way, apparently. I am a bad mother. I'm depriving him of nutrients and health benefits he can never recapture. Giving him formula is like giving him Spam or Cheez Whiz. I read that. My milk is almost gone. I'm crying right now. But I don't want to breastfeed him any more.
My biological mother breastfed me for a full year. Then she left me on a doorstep with all of my things in a garbage bag when I was five. This could mean that just because you breastfeed for a long time, you are not necessarily a good mother. But it also shows me that even a crappy mom like her could breastfeed me the right length of time. Even she had it in her. Where does that leave me?