Sunday, March 30, 2008
It is hard to do an update when there is always so much going on. None of the things I want to say fit into neat categories, and since I want everything to fit into neat categories, I get confused and anxious when they don't. There was one thing I didn't want to forget: how Benjamin got sad at the end of "The Tiny Seed," how he cried and said the flower was "broken" and I thought what a sensitive boy I have here. Though most of the time he wants daddy now, tonight we snuggled up and read "I Love You Forever" and I wanted to cry at the end because I will be old and dead and he'll be a grown man singing to his own kid one day. Doesn't that suck? That book creeps me out still, mainly when the old lady sneaks into the grown man's house to hold him. I mean, where was his wife? Wouldn't she be pissed? Even call the cops? But now that I'm a mom, I understand the sentiment. I want to always be able to hold my little boys against me. When Ben and I are reading together or watching a movie, and he is snuggled into the crook of my arm, I always think, this isn't going to last forever, and even though I am happier than anything, there is also this profound sense of loss at the same time. This is what makes being a parent so difficult. There is no reconciliation between the feelings. When you feel the most love, you feel the most fear that that love will be taken away. Ryan and I think that Elliott is not obsessive and anxious like the rest of us. I know he is only a baby, but there is this peacefulness about his face that none of the rest of us has. Even though he is hyper and crawling so fast he hits his head on the floor, he has the huge, calm, pretty eyes that seem to say he is taking it all in stride. Maybe the rest of us can learn from him. I hope so. I am still taking medication for my horrible anxiety, but I am also taking up yoga and listening to this new age relaxation tape that my doctor recommended, and if that stuff works, I'm weaning myself off of this crap. The tape says that the ability to relax is like a muscle you have to exercise--if you practice, you can better develop the skill. My god, I hope he is right.