People who know me might think I am confident and tough. People who know me the best know that I am more sensitive and insecure than almost anyone else. But I am really good at faking it. And sometimes, when I am trying to protect myself, when my stress is too high, when everyone is pulling at me from every direction, I close myself right up. I can feel myself doing it, and, worse, I sometimes don't know how to stop.
So what's going to happen when I start doing this to my children? My mom died when I was 10. She was likely mentally ill, but what she is known for is her violent temper and her lack of healthy, intimate relationships. It's a lovely picture. I don't think I am mentally ill (but then us crazies never admit we're crazy!), but I do know that I have this awful temper and I lash out at those closest to me sometimes. Or worse, I just shut them out.
So the answer to my question? It's not going to happen. I've overcome a lot of shit in my life. I will not shut out those people who are most important to me. If I am stressed, I will get through it and I will let them in, keep them close to me, and apologize when I mess up. I have improved myself in so many ways, and I will do this, too.
And Elliott and Ben, you boys, you are everything to me. Today, we made a fort and we wrestled and tickled each other and laughed and I had a shitload of papers to grade, but I didn't care. I'll get them done tomorrow. Because sometimes, you just have to enjoy what is in front of you.