bikinis are stupid

Say you squeezed a baby out of your crotch three months ago. Say you’re feelin’ a little blue because you’ve got an incredible amount of lard hanging over your pants, not to mention back fat. Here’s what not to do: Don’t try on your old bikinis. For a second, you might think, “Hey, it isn’t so bad.” But then you will turn around and look at the reflection of your back through the tiny lens of your compact mirror, and when you do, you will wonder how more of your ass is visible than the pink and white stripes on that miniscule scrap of cloth that was once your bikini bottom. Depressing enough for you? There’s more. Next, you will convince yourself that it’s time for a one piece. You head down to Target in search of a suitable alternative. On a lopsided rack behind the bikinis, you will find a turquoise one piece and a fuchsia two-piece tankini. As you search for a Large, two teenyboppers hold nearly transparent white bikinis against their tight, tan bodies and wonder whether a small will fit. “I’d go with a small,” one of them says to the other. “Definitely.” You know they don’t notice you in the back holding your tent of a bathing suit, but for some reason you just know they are looking at you in disdain. “Just wait,” you think. “Just wait.” But when you get home (you’ve decided not to buy either and simply not go swimming for awhile), you upload pictures of your baby Ben wearing his sunhat that he hates and realize that you have the most beautiful baby ever invented. It sounds cliché, but it is worth it.