Wednesday, May 25, 2005

why tom cruise is so creepy

Nearly a year ago, when I was still pregnant, Tom Cruise visited me in the night. In this horrible nightmare, I woke to find him jumping out of my closet wearing a black leather jacket and laughing that maniacal laugh of his. He grabbed me by the shoulders and screamed in my face, "Congratulations!! You just won two tickets to my premiere!" This might be some girls' dream, but I woke in a cold sweat. My heart was beating; my blood was racing through my veins. I shook Ryan and made him reassure me that Tom Cruise was not, in fact, in my closet. It took me a long, long while to fall asleep. I'd forgotten all about the dream until Hollywood recently plastered him all over all forms of media--magazines, news, t.v.--and now that night has come back to me, and, with it, all the terrifying memories.

Why is Tom Cruise so creepy? Is it that crazy, crazy laugh? His tireless search for adventure? The way he pumped his fists and jumped on Oprah's couch last week, declaring his love for the girl he's dated for one week? What person in his right mind jumps on Oprah's couch? If it had been a regular guest and not an actor, Oprah would have had him thrown out on his ass. Maybe the thing that bugs me the most about Tom Cruise is that he criticizes women for taking antidepressants for post partum depression. I never had to take any, but I felt like I was damn close for a while. And all I know is that once Tom Cruise squeezes a human being out of an orifice of his body, lets this human being eat from his breasts on an hourly basis for months AND, finally, gets an M.D. from an accredited medical school, then, and only then, will he qualify as an expert on such matters.

No comments: