I have one pair of jeans that sort of fit me, so I went to Gap (where I have a gift certificate I've been saving since Christmas) to see if I could find anything decent to wear as I contine the slow-motion process of trying to lose some damn weight. I could find my size, but they only had it in short or average. One of the men who works there said, "Can I help you find some denim." I told him my size. "Oh," he replied. It was the kind of uncomfortable, sad "oh" you get when you tell someone your mother is dead. "I don't think we carry that size," he continued. "You'll have to order it online." So in other words, my ass is too big to fit in any of the jeans they carry in the store, but I can special order them online.
Still determined, I headed over to American Eagle. That was a cruel, cruel joke. I didn't try anything on.
I tried on a pair of jeans at Express. They weren't too tight, but they were too short and the button popped off when I closed it.
Then, I did what I never thought I would do.
I went to Lane Bryant. And I tried stuff on. Their capri pants fit perfectly over my deformed stomach, cinching everything in and making me feel decent. But the crotches on every pair of pants there fit me weird, and I couldn't stand the idea of owning clothes from Lane Bryant. I'm not in the phase of my life where I have to wear Lane Bryant. Am I? Am I?