Tuesday, May 20, 2008


It's late right now, too late for me to be writing. (I'm old now, and I need to be asleep before 10.) In any case, I've been thinking a lot about my parents, my biological mom and my dad. I always say that I am like my dad--we lose things, forget things, get angry and impulsive and put our feet in our respective mouths. I can't say I am like my mom because she is dead but the rumors of her extreme temper and her inability to handle stress...that I can relate to. When I think about my parents, a sense of dread comes over me. I think about all of the awful things that I don't want to be and how those things are lying in wait to take over my body and make me do things I don't want to do. Like make selfish decisions or close myself off or die at age 36 and not be there for my children at all. I love my dad, but I hate the way I was raised and I hate that he won't acknowledge all of the bad things and try to change them so he doesn't make the same mistakes with my little brother and sister. I find myself thinking only negative things about him and fearful that I will make these same mistakes. This isn't nice of me, but I don't know what else to do. I'm always on the defensive, trying to protect what I have as though someone is out there trying to take it away from me. I think about my own kids and hope they never feel this way about me, that when they think about me, it won't be with a mixture of dread and stress and sadness and anger. This is how I know existentialism isn't true, not purely. Because it is impossible to cut those ties, to not feel, no matter how much we wish we could.


JenBartlett said...

You're nothing like what you're afraid of being. Maybe you would be if you didn't have that fear/anger as a reminder. In that sense, they gave you a great tool to use in your life, if nothing else. With your level of self-awareness I doubt you'll ever be on a path too long if you don't like where its taking you.

Heavy stuff for a late night...be as sweet to yourself as you are toward your babies.

Anonymous said...

You could post a sanitized cali view of your life and make yourself feel better by making us feel worse--

instead you have the courage to look inside AND purge AND reveal it with others, beauty AND pain.

fret not--your struggle shows you have chosen another path. i relate, and the truth of your life gives me hope.