Tuesday, November 09, 2010

empathy

This morning, the kids were running around playing before school when Elliott threw a hard little rubber ball right at Ben's nose. He wasn't being malicious; in fact, that would have been more reassuring. His look was decidedly...blank. And when Ben clutched his nose in pain (it was quite dramatic), Elliott only screamed, "My ball" because "his" ball had rolled away. It used to be that Elliott never asked us if we were okay when we hurt ourselves. In recent months, he will occasionally say, "Are you okay?" though the sentiment isn't quite fully there. I imagine that typical 3-year-olds aren't the most compassionate people in the world, but I have no reference point. My kids have never been typical.

So while Elliott screamed for his ball, I gently held his hand and said, "Look, Elliott. Ben is hurt." I touched his hand to Ben's nose and said, "Look at Ben's nose." Elliott would only look at his ball and I had to ask him several times to look at Ben's face. Finally, he did. Ben returned his gaze in melodramatic fashion. Nothing seemed to register for Elliott. "Tell Ben you're sorry," I prodded. "I'm sorry, Ken-Ken," Elliott said, but it was clear he only cared for his ball. Ben wanted a profuse apology along with a hug and a promise of no future violence against him. He also required a hug. He lectured Elliott on the dangers of small rubber balls and Elliott stared blankly past him.

I wonder if Elliott truly has empathy or if he is just imitating. He laughs at the parts in movies that aren't supposed to be funny, when the cartoon character is in anguish. It's interesting to have to teach him to 1) notice when someone is hurt and 2) react to it appropriately. I worry about the problems this will cause in the future. I wonder if empathy is something that can even truly be taught.

5 comments:

bart5pears said...

Don't worry about it honey, kids don't usually develop true empathy until about six or seven. Keep up the good training though! You are an amazing mother!

angela said...

okay. thanks, mary. :)

jim said...

Three year olds aren't the most empathetic individuals around. How you handled it is what is important. Much of it is learned. And your modeling is an excellent way to teach him to have concern for others. Keep up the good work. You and Ryan are doing an excellent job of parenting.

Kindra said...

From someone who HAS a 3 year old as well, nope, no compassion. Esther pushed Gideon HARD into the nightstand in our bedroom and he was screaming and bleeding pretty bad. I got nothing from that little girl. I know some 3 year olds ARE empathetic, but I also know a lot aren't. Here's to hoping our kids WILL learn to "feel bad". :)

angela said...

Thanks everyone; this makes me feel better. :)