a father's day note.

Last week there were a bunch of earthquakes here in California, one of them even sparking a tsunami warning. Obsessive as we are, Ryan and I were worried about the warning, even though we lie very far inland. We couldn't stop watching the news, and I wondered if we should--just in case--head for higher ground. Realistically, even if, by some miracle, the wave made it to us, by the time it got here it would be little more than the size of a splash from a car that drove through a puddle. Still, now that we have Ben, we are hyper-aware of such things. Ben is completely dependent upon us to preserve his safety and well-being, and that is a huge and terrifying and wonderful responsibility.

After the tsunami-warning quake, there was one that hit even closer, about three miles away from us. I was at work, speaking to one of my students after class. (This student, meanwhile, failed to inform me that there was a TELEVISION directly over my head.) Ben was at home blissfully napping when Ryan scooped him up and woke him and held him close under the nearest doorway. Ryan said he's never responded so swiftly and decisively. People talk about a mother's instinct, but fathers have instincts too, and Ryan exerted his to protect little Ben while his mother was far away standing underneath a television jolting out of the bolts that secured it to the ceiling above her head. Ryan tried to return Ben to his nap, but Ben panicked, and Ryan picked him up and sat with him on the couch. Ben kept looking up to Ryan, scanning Ryan's eyes and expression for evidence that he was okay. Ryan told me later that this was the first time that he felt like Ben knew he was his dad, the first time Ben looked to him to tell him it would be okay. This is something that Ben has only done with Ryan, an early Father's Day present.

Can you believe it Ryan? We made a human being, and he is so gorgeous and so intense and we are so in love with him. Ryan, you are an amazing father and an amazing husband, and we (Ben and I) are so lucky to have you. You don't get freaked out when Ben tries to eat from your nipple or shits his pants so forcefully that it oozes from his diaper. You are happy to be here 100 percent, every day, no matter how intense or annoying I am, no matter how tired you are, and I love you so much for this, and I feel so lucky to have you. Happy Father's Day.