one moment of confidence

A good portion of my time as a mother is spent doubting myself, feeling guilty, questioning my decisions, etc. But today I put the baby down, sleepy but not asleep, and he fell asleep. By himself. With no pacifier. In this moment, I am a genius. A parenting genius.

to my baby elliott

Hi Elliott,
Just so you know, you are not going to get a monthly update, but I am going to shoot for bimonthly. You are the second child. I know it's not fair, but it's life, and at least you were not born in some war-torn nation. At least you were also born to me, likely the most sane one in my family, though that might be arguable. In any case, this morning at around 4:45am, you would not go back to sleep. As soon as I'd get you to sleep, you make this little high-pitched squeal that precedes your not so little scream, and as I got out of bed to put your pacifier back in your mouth, I said, "Jesus Christ, I just want one more hour of sleep!" Once I had calmed you down, I had to remember the days when Benjamin was a baby. He didn't sleep a stretch longer than two hours at a time until he was over four months old, and here you are, not even two months old, sleeping two four-hour stretches at night, and I'm still complaining. So, thank you, baby boy. Thank you for the four-hour stretches.
Speaking of your brother, tonight we read Benjamin a book about Curious George and his various emotions/mindsets (happy, sad, mischevious, and, yes, curious) and Ben acted out every one of them by putting his hand on his hip, or looking disdainful, or laughing, or pretending to cry. His personality and language are on fast-forward these last couple of months, and every day he surprises me and makes me laugh.

no, i'm not nursing any more. thanks for asking.

I want so badly to tell the world to fuck off, to stop asking me about why I'm not nursing the baby anymore. But I'm not angry. On the contrary. I agree with them. I feel like the worst mother in the world. I don't even completely know why I don't like breastfeeding. It doesn't make me feel weird. It is just extremely stressful for me. I feel as though I am constantly doing it wrong. He isn't getting enough milk. I need to be with him at all hours, boobs reading for feeding. I don't feel like myself. I start feeling resentful. I don't want to have something attached to my breast at all hours every day. When he gets upset while nursing, I think there is something wrong with me, with my milk, with me. It would be difficult with my erratic work and life schedule to continue breastfeeding, but the truth is I could make it happen if I wanted to. I feel extremely guilty about this, but I don't want to. No other mothers feel this way, apparently. I am a bad mother. I'm depriving him of nutrients and health benefits he can never recapture. Giving him formula is like giving him Spam or Cheez Whiz. I read that. My milk is almost gone. I'm crying right now. But I don't want to breastfeed him any more.

My biological mother breastfed me for a full year. Then she left me on a doorstep with all of my things in a garbage bag when I was five. This could mean that just because you breastfeed for a long time, you are not necessarily a good mother. But it also shows me that even a crappy mom like her could breastfeed me the right length of time. Even she had it in her. Where does that leave me?

tag team, back again (brent is in town, baby!)

 
 
 
 

baby e and his big brother

 
 
 
 

a very intense easter

 
 
 
 

sick

Elliott's got stomach flu...no sleep...smell like vomit and diarrhea...so tired.

welcome, baby e

 
 
 
 

cousin zoe

 
 
 
 

the family

 
 
 
 

elliott's foot

 

ahhhhh...

They are both asleep this very moment. By saying this, I am in severe risk of jinxing my good luck. As I wrote the last sentence, Elliott started crying, so I had to run to his crib and see if he'd take the pacifier. He did. Score!

This morning, I took both of the boys to the park. It was my good fortune that they were having a picnic for thirty or forty severely retarded people and their ornery caretakers. Ben could have played in the muddy, gnat-ridden field with a bunch of kids flying a kite. But what did he want to do? Mingle with the retarded people, who were moaning and convulsing and spitting while the appetizing scent of grilled hamburger swirled through the air. One of the few who could walk approached Ben and did a gun pantomime with his hand, then placed a heavy hand on Ben's head. Ben did not like this, and he ran down a dangerously steep hill (me carrying Elliott, who was peacefully asleep in the baby carrier, behind him), then tried to jump into a muddy puddle with a jagged pipe in it that was marked with a caution sign. I barely managed to stop him, and, as a result, he burst into tears. I told him we were going home if he couldn't stop crying. "Want to play with Jason?" I asked him. "Want to play with the kite?" He didn't and he kept crying, so I dragged him up through the retarded picnic and placed him in his car seat, screaming, his feet covered in mud and water.

Yesterday, I tried to take him to get his hair cut and as the barber ran the clippers through his hair, he panicked and writhed away, even though he's had his hair cut several times before. The barber and I had to pin him down to do the other side, just to make it even, so now he has sort of a mullet. I'm too scared to take him back today, and Ryan is at work until 5, so I think I'll just wait until tomorrow.

In short, Ben loves being a big brother.

Last night, Ryan and I went on our first date (thank you, Bridget), and I had my first beer since I got pregnant last year. Trust me, I deserved it.

photos...holla!

ben's first friend

The last two days, I've taken both of the kids to the park, a feat I'm quite proud of, given that maneuvering two children is much more complicated than I had expected. It involves a complex strategy of getting Ben to count to twenty as I tie Elliott into the carrier. If I don't finish before twenty, Ben starts whining. Otherwise, it works out. In any case, the last two days, Ben has met up with a new friend named Jason, who is two years old. Jason has much more hair than Ben and he speaks a lot better. I tend to think that kids who speak better than Ben are annoying, but I've warmed up to Jason, as he is really nice to Ben. Ben usually doesn't like other kids, and goes running off into the field by himself, but he likes Jason too. He and Jason spend hours running chasing each other all over the park, trying to tickle each other, and laughing. Jason has other friends besides Benjamin, but Benjamin isn't interested in any of them. When Jason turns to play with his other friends, Ben says, "J?" Sometimes he says, "J, where are you?" And Jason will return his attention to Ben. I am so happy that Ben, who normally runs away from 10 month olds, is actually playing with a kid at the park that should Jason need an adoption, I will definitely volunteer. On another note, some little creep named Hayden shoved Ben down the slide today. I wanted to climb up there and strangle the little bastard, but I had Elliott on my chest. And I'm an adult.

clumsy

I just dribbled grapefruit juice on Elliott's head. He continued sleeping. That's the price he has to pay for being carried around like a prince all day. He's just lucky it wasn't nacho cheese.

update

Elliott: Feeling better. Asleep in my mei tai carrier from babyhawk.com that I am obsessed with. Eating 12 to 14 times per day.

Benjamin: 105 fever today, magically cured within one hour with goldfish crackers, water, and children's Tylenol. The doctor said it is just the common cold.

Ryan: Tired.

Me: Tired.

first scare

I don't have much time, but just a quick update. Ben is sick with the stomach flu and Elliott has extremely bad jaundice. We've been to the hospital three times since we had him, and he has to be strapped to this phototherapy blanket that basically is like a miniature sun that radiates onto his back to get his bilirubin level down. I also need to feed him on an hourly basis. The good news is that today his level went down a bit and he gained a little weight. We will check again at the hospital tomorrow...

more photos...