a very tall 6-year-old

I know it has been some time since I have posted. I have had a particularly busy semester so far--I'm teaching 5 classes instead of 4, all with lots of papers to grade.

But this is important. Benjamin is 6 today!!! Much like his father does, he has been counting down the days to his birthday for the past 6 months. Last night, he could barely fall asleep. This morning, he woke extra early, bouncing through the house in his Super Mario pajamas, proclaiming his age. I asked him what he would do now that he was 6, and he just shook his head and said, "Mo-om." Like, you are ridiculous. He hugged me for a good long time this morning before school and he felt so large and gangly in my arms. It's unbelievable to me that he was an infant at one point. When we are in public, people think he is 7--even 8. When he was a baby, he was angry and quiet. Now he is sweet and loud. He cracks jokes and gets 100% on his spelling and math tests. He helps his little brother learns the letters and puts up with Elliott's constant imitation of him. He gets stressed out at even the smallest things, even when I ask him how his day was. I am sad that 6 years will pass seemingly in an instant once again and this day will seem so far away again.

At this moment, he is leaning his blond little head against my shoulder, watching a Robin (of Batman fame) cartoon, his chin resting thoughtfully against his fist. Seconds ago, there was a scene that scared him and so he curled up against me. I love that. I will miss that.

For now though, I am so proud of this little boy. He is helpful and kind and thoughtful and smart and handsome and I feel privileged to be his mom.

sweet sweet boys

Right now, Elliott is gently petting Mona while Benjamin draws pictures of cats and dogs and eggs and other farm things. Even though Ben can be intense and Elliott can become instantly angry for the most minor thing, I have sweet and gentle boys and I am grateful for that. Last night Benjamin named the top five things he wanted to dream about:
1. Sheep
2. Ladybugs
3. Balloons
4. Caterpillars
5. Bunny rabbits
He closed his eyes and smiled. Of course, we heard him talking to himself later, probably about stressful things, while we heard Elliott kicking the plastic sides of his firetruck bed but eventually they both fell asleep. I love these boys so much.

looking up

Both of the kids had good days at school today. I no longer have strep throat. Let's see how many days we can go without a crisis! Here's to boring! Elliott is becoming more social and speaking in full sentences. Ben had less anxiety about school and is very excited for his first rootbeer float tomorrow. Apparently the floats are free but the PTA recruits you all night long. It's like a time share model. There's this one woman who constantly harasses us to join their cult of bitter mothers but I 1) refuse to be a part of their crazy and 2) don't have the ability to assemble fliers and run carnival booths. Homegirl needs to settle down.

elliott before summer

making it work

Sometimes it's tempting to just stay home on the weekends. I might get to read part of a book. Or I can leisurely drink a cup of coffee (well, as leisurely as that can be with a kid screaming Mommy Mommy at me). However, we are making an attempt to do new things with the kids, more than we usually do. So today we took a 1-hour drive up to Idyllwild (sp?) for the Butterfly Festival. It isn't Ben we worry about (it used to be). It's Elliott. He can't handle new events very well. He doesn't like the driving, the new people, the noise, the sensations, etc. But we can't just keep him at home. That wouldn't be good for him. So we load up his favorite snacks and his favorite movies. We take deep breaths, and we try to be as optimistic as Ryan and I can be.

Yes, Elliott screamed. He also threw-up because of the winding roads. He didn't appreciate his ears popping after we passed 3000 feet. By the time we got there, he was a smelly, unhappy mess. He was mostly cranky the whole time, punctuated by moments of happiness--climbing a rock, noticing a small waterfall and ravine, coloring a butterfly mask.

Ben had a fantastic time. He got to hold a butterfly and made a really intricate mask and necklace in the shape of--you guessed it--a butterfly.

The screaming began to disrupt the 3-piece-Jerry-Garcia-covering band and its listeners, so we had to take off before the release of the butterflies, but, hey, we did something new, and that was the only goal.

So I guess the message here is, we can stay home and feel sorry for ourselves that it takes too much effort and stress to get an autistic kid out of the house. Or we can just forge ahead and do it and have the best time our family can have. Because screw those other families, with their non-screaming, non-throwing-up kids. They aren't nearly as interesting as mine is.

unresolved

We've been to urgent care nearly every day this last week because Elliott won't pee. If he doesn't pee often enough, his bladder will stretch and there will be permanent damage. We don't know if the problem is a behavioral one or a physical one or a medical one. We've had some good doctors and some bad ones, but we have to go and see a urologist in Los Angeles this week to see what's going on.

Because Elliott won't pee, they have to catheterize him, which means we wrap him up in a sheet or a blanket and pin him down while the nurses do the procedure. It is traumatizing. But nothing else has worked. We had him drink cranberry juice while we massaged his stomach and watched potty videos this morning and he still won't pee. We've tried warm baths, running water, playing with water, etc. We've tried bribes. Nothing works.

Elliott's respiratory infections have cleared up since we've gotten Mookie a home and added air purifiers to our house, so that's the good news.

We can't really do anything until we get this figured out and it's so frustrating and exhausting.

my poor little one

Elliott has been to the doctor 5 of the past 7 days. He had an earache, was vomiting, had diarrhea, wouldn't pee, was grabbing his crotch, screaming, a fever, chest congestion, nasal congestion, a cough, etc. Pretty much everything you can think of, he's had it this week. Except a rash. I probably shouldn't jinx it. Last night we were at urgent care where they had to catheterize him. TWICE. Because they fucked up the first time. Good news is his kidneys are working. Bad news is that no one knows why he won't pee for 24 hours and doesn't want to drink anything. So he's getting an ultrasound today and bloodwork as well. And then we'll talk to a urologist. Shitty for any kid? Yes. Worse for Elliott? You got it. He doesn't understand why we are inserting a tube into his penis or letting strangers put their hands all over him or sticking needles into his veins. He screams and screams our names as though we are betraying him. He wants to leave and he keeps saying "outside, outside, outside" until he gives up and just sobs. And this child has been through it, man. First off, he's got autism. Then he's constantly got a respiratory problem--he is coughing most of the year, a hacking smoker's cough. (Maybe he sneaks cigarettes after we go to bed?) He's very underweight and lost a pound within this past bout of illness, though we managed to help him gain it back. It's just so unfair, and we can't live normal lives because we are at the doctor's all of the time or he is feeling so poorly he just screams and screams. Here's hoping it all gets better soon.

two steps forward, one step back

Oh Elliott. How you toy with us. So Elliott was having an amazing week. And then we tried to go to a party yesterday. And then basketball class today. And all hell broke loose. At the party, he didn't like everyone looking at him and talking to him and he began to scream and kick and freak out. I had to take him home, screaming and snot-covered the entire way. Then we tried basketball class with Ben today. It began with promise, but then when he realized he couldn't simply shoot the ball in the hoop over and over and over again, that he would have to also listen to the teacher (who was very kind) and learn other skills, he again flipped out. Other parents stared and rolled their eyes. We persisted, and we will continue to persist and those other parents can lick my balls, as I told Ryan. (I'm a classy lady.) A colleague of Ryan's passed by while we were in class. She didn't know that Elliott had autism, and when she found out, she acted as though I told her that he had died. She got quiet and uncomfortable and dismissed herself awkwardly away from me. What is wrong with people? I'm sorry my kids don't fit into your idea of what kids should be. My kids are awesome--funny and sweet and kind and smart and beautiful. And if you can't see that, then you have the problem.

How effed up is this? You should be angry.

breakthrough week

The past month for Elliott has been hard because he broke his arm and his schedule was disrupted and he was generally screamy and miserable. However, it has all paid off. This past week, he has made so many accomplishments. He's begun to speak in two-three-to even four word sentences ("Where did Daddy go?" and "I love you, too" "Put it in" etc.) and his eye contact is insane. Like he will look at me and hold my gaze and talk and laugh with me appropriately. He used to catch my eyes for a second or two, but now it's sometimes a minute or two when we are talking or playing around, which is amazing!!! He's singing full songs, laughing at jokes, tapping on our shoulders and asking for attention with words instead of screams. He seems so happy and pleased to be a part of the activities he used to stay away from. When we went to a baby shower a week ago, he even asked a few kids to play with him. He didn't know how to follow through with that, and for the most part he stayed a safe distance away from all of them, but he was watching and imitating. He is getting there. I want to leap through this computer and shake your shoulders in excitement, that's how excited I am. Typing does not do justice to the elation that I feel right now. We are going to work hard with him all summer, and this boy is going to do great things. I just know it.

this will make you happy, unless you have no soul

like a dagger through my heart

Ben and I have been having our issues lately. When I asked him to listen, he tells me his ears don't work. When his Zhu Zhu pet (a hamster toy for those of you out of the loop on children's toys) was taken away because he wouldn't stop annoying Elliott, he screamed about it for almost an hour. He whines and yells and says he doesn't like me or his toys or his house. I remind him that other people don't have toys or houses or food even and he just cries even more. In general, he is a very sweet and loving and smart and helpful boy but sometimes he is SO SENSITIVE.

In any case, during Elliott's therapy, Ben was having a hard time again (probably because Elliott gets so much attention), and he retreated to his room. I went up to check on him about 10 minutes later, and he was packing his backpack full of stuffed animals. "Where are you going?" I asked him. "To see your mommy," he replied. This took me off guard. I didn't know which mom (stepmom or biological) he was referring to. He barely sees my stepmom and I don't think he thinks of her as my mom. And my biological mom is dead. Ben knows that she is dead because he's asked me about it before, but we haven't talked about it in months. As he stuffed Pluto into a Thomas the Train backpack he continued, "I want to see where your mommy lives, but she's dead. So I can't see her. That's sad, Mom." This whole interaction was so earnest and surreal that tears immediately came to my eyes. I didn't let on, though. "Was she nice?" Ben asked. How would I put this? My biological mother was not nice. She was very mean to a lot of people and she was a drug addict. She wasn't pure evil; I believe that she loved me to whatever extent she was capable of love...but "nice" is not the word I would use. I try to be honest with Ben, though. I told him, "No, she wasn't very nice, but I'm okay...and I'm nice to you and Elliott, and that's all that matters." Giving your kids everything you never had also means coming to terms with the fact that none of that will change and you can only go forward. It is wonderful to be able to give my kids all of that love and support but it can be painful to see the contrast between what they have and what I had. I did not have a mother who loved me. I'm okay with that most of the time; lots of people have worse things to deal with. But sometimes it sneaks up on me. I

I have a twelve year old niece who just found out her dad (my brother) is a drug addict and has been since well before she was born. And god it hurts to see her struggle with this. And to hear her reassure herself that it will be okay, that she will make it, that she will give her kids what she never had. To see her smile break up into tears because she's under so much pressure. I see the struggle ahead of her, but I tell her, it's okay. You can make it. You can make your life different, for yourselves and for your children. I am proof of that.

It is strange to me that I do feel a little sad that Ben will never meet my mom, but I know that this is probably for the best. Ben forgot about his backpack full of animals and his desire to meet my mother almost instantaneously. The moment passed for him quickly, skimmed off the surface of his beautiful, stable life. I am grateful for that.

1st broken bone

Elliott broke his elbow yesterday. He fell off of the bench he was standing on at the breakfast nook. He tries to stand on this bench all of the time, and we tell him to sit down all of the time, but this time he fell down right on top of his elbow. At the time, I was at the Regional Center fighting with a duty officer who was a horrible person. No one went to this really important meeting on Elliott's behalf because his coordinator went on maternity leave. I've been asking about what would happen if she missed the meeting for the past month, and the RC wouldn't give me any info on her replacement. It's not like it was a surprise that she went on leave. SHE WAS PREGNANT. In any case, not only did they miss this important meeting, but they neglected to contact me about it. And when I tried to call, the phone just kept ringing and ringing. So, in a rage, I drove down there. As soon as I had resolved the issue (whatever that means with the RC), I got a call from Ryan saying he was rushing Elliott to the emergency room because he had fallen, he was screaming, and his arm was swollen. Elliott continued to scream for 3 hours as they took x-rays, examined him, and finally put a cast on him. Some lady in the waiting room asked Ryan why he was screaming so much. Good think we don't carry guns on us. We'd be in hiding by now.

In any case, his cast and his sling are very sad, and he keeps tugging at them to get them off. He doesn't understand, and I think that's the worst part. I also feel really guilty for some reason. I guess that's just being a parent.

things are crazy right now...

So instead of tell you about all of that, here's a healthy and GFCF loaded baked potato recipe for y'all. I came up with it!

Simple and good:

3 large Yukon gold potatoes, unpeeled cut up into fourths
5 strips of nitrate-free turkey bacon, cooked and crumbled
2 1/2 c. chicken stock and 1 c. unsweetened regular almond milk (not vanilla)
1 c. of spinach
1 tbsp. arrowroot powder
2 cloves garlic
1 tbsp. of oil (I use grapeseed)
onion powder (or real onion if your husband will eat onions), to taste
salt, to taste
pepper, to taste

Garnish with:
green onions or chives (optional)
light cheese (vegan or regular if not on a special diet)

Lightly saute the garlic in the grapeseed oil. Add onion powder, potatoes, bacon, and chicken stock and bring to a boil over med. high heat. Dissolve 1 tbsp. of arrowroot in water and add to the pan with the almond milk. Bring the soup to med. low and then cook until potatoes are tender. Add salt, pepper, and spinach. After the spinach wilts, serve with green onions and/or shredded cheese.

ok go video

This will cheer you right up:

frustration

Our school district has all of these resources that other districts do not have (namely taxpayer MONEY), and yet they have no program for mild to moderate autistic kids. Many lower income schools in the same region have excellent inclusion programs. I wish I were a lawyer so I could sue them so hard that they would have to fix their program. Because when you put mildly autistic kids in severe programs, I believe you negatively impact them for the rest of their lives. And that is just wrong. Of course I won't put Elliott in that program, but there are other parents who might not know that they have other options, or might not be able to pursue those options. Elliott has improved so greatly in just one year. He would have never been considered high functioning just 6 months ago, and now he is. And who knows where he'll be in another 6 months. It enrages me that this is going on and I don't know what to do about it.

moving on

So...my stalker friend was expelled from the college. I was worried about it last week, but now I just feel too busy to deal with a stalker. Couldn't he stalk me over the summer, when I'll have more time to deal with it? God, stalkers are so inconsiderate.

We are in the midst of Elliott's IEP process. And if you don't have a kid with special needs, then you may not know how arduous and emotionally exhausting this is. Basically, they are determining where Elliott should be placed educationally. He gets assessed by a psychologist, a nurse, and a speech pathologist and then 10 people meet in a room and tell me where they think he should go. So they wanted to put him in this autism classroom. Since he's doing so well in regular preschool, I was worried that this wouldn't be the right place for him, especially since they have no integration with typical kids. But I wanted to keep an open mind so I went and visited the class today.

And within about 10 minutes of sitting in that classroom, my eyes were welling up with tears. These kids were severe. Half of them were completely non-verbal. They were rocking and throwing their bodies around. The six year olds were learning skills Elliott mastered months ago. Most of the kids stared into the distance, past the teachers, past me. THIS was where they wanted to place my Elliott? After kindergarten, these kids went to a 1st-5th grade program at another school. In other words, no exit strategy. No integration. No hope that these kids would be mainstreamed, ever. I know that these women are well-intentioned and hardworking and using all of the resources they have, but, their expectations were so low for the kids. They were rewarding them with Doritos for clapping their hands. I mean, it was that bad.

So I guess the coordinator I got through the school district is supposed to be the bitchiest one around. I'm guessing my request for another IEP was not well-received. But there is no way in hell Elliott is going into that classroom. I refuse to have low expectations for my son.

guess who's back...

So I had this kid stalking me last semester. I used to be his mentor through a program at my work. He began to demand more and more from me and when I didn't live up to his extremely high expectations, he just sort of lost it on me. The breaking point for him was when I deleted him from my Facebook account. He then began relentlessly emailing me with vague threats and twisted religious references. He was removed from campus for a couple of weeks and told not to contact me again. And aside from one incident during finals week last semester, I hadn't heard from him. Until yesteray.

He sent me this long, bizarre message saying he was sent by Jesus to punish me but that he would have mercy on me if I did what he asked, etc., etc. Effing insane. So now I'm at work, flinching every time someone walks past my office. He is the kind of a kid who ends up shooting up a school. And that's what I'm afraid of. He know when and where I teach and what my office hours are. I hate that there is not much I can do about it at the moment.

I know that everything will be okay; the odds are on that side of things. But I have a mother who died at the age of 36. And as irrational as it may be, I've always feared that I would die before my kids were adults, leaving them motherless like I was. I'm the only 30 year old I know looking forward to her 37th birthday. I just want to get past that hump. So I am disturbed that this mentally unstable person could very well harm me if he wants to, seeing as Jesus told him to and all, and, for right now, I can't do anything besides wait.

ben's moves

Benjamin's second week at karate. Watch out, criminals!

current obsessions

I'm on a real cooking kick right now, and I've been experimenting with lots of gluten-free, dairy free stuff for Elliott (and the rest of us!). I highly recommend these two ladies' websites and I just bought their cookbooks yesterday. I've tried several of their recipes, and they are so good. Enjoy!

Elana's Pantry

The Spunky Coconut

Last night I made the chocolate cake from the first website using and the chocolate frosting from the 2nd one. It was amazing, Elliott can eat it, and it was lower in sugar and higher in fiber and protein. Benjamin loved it too!